Why am I here, am I just wasting my time????? [entries|friends|calendar] Bridget [ website | MySpace..ADD ME!!! ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[07 Aug 2005|07:34pm] just want everyone who isnt a friend on my old lj to see this! I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian. I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman. I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights. We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time. I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room. I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me. I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again. I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear. We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men. I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me. I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male. I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men. I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that. I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual. I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me. I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind. I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love. repost this if you belive homophobia is wrong love

[20 Jun 2005|07:53pm] [ mood | happy ] NEW LIVE JOURNAL!!!     shutupimawesome   yea.. val made my username and it is awesome.. i think?.. its gunna be friends only.. but im still debating.. 4 die for love

[22 Apr 2005|07:10pm] [ mood | aggravated ] -i wouldnt lie to you.. -i know you wouldnt.. thats why i can tell you anything.. i wouldnt lie to you either.. yea..to anyone reading this.. if someone says that.. u might not want to trust them.. they will lie..unless they are a better person than this individual.. im so pissed.. i hate it.. she lied right to my face.. i mean seriously..i obviously trust the other person more.. they told the truth.. u lied.. u lie to my face whenever i ask about it.. im not that mad that u said something.. but dont lie about it.. that hurts worse than anything..i learned my lesson with you.. i just wish i could have before i told u that..u probably told everyone by now..would be mad if u were me? y did u ask my sister.. a million times i told u.. i HATE her.. like she would know anything about me anyway..wat if i decided to lie to you.. look u in the eye and deny everything..y do ppl do that.. im so pissed of right now.. i hate everyone in my family.. i want to leave but i have no where to go.. i have no one to turn to.. my mom favors my sister because nobody can stand it when she throws her fits..so this is what happened.. i had an extra half hr online b/c my mom messed up when she was doin something to the parental controls.. b/c i had that 1/2 hr my sister decided she wanted to go online.. so i let her..the computer signed her off immediately.. she flipped out.. tried to beat the crap out of me n was hitting all the walls n crap like that.. n wen i went back on she pulled the plug out of the wall. n then my mom came home and changed the time so that i only had until 9 all week.. my sister however had until 930 on weeknights and 10 on weekends.. so all week i asked her to change it..but of course she wouldnt.. cuz im not my sister n i dont throw fits to get my way.. so i yelled at my mom today.. after a whole week of even more limited access on the computer.. n i tried to sign on her name to change her password and everything.. so i told her that i was one step away from changing her password so she came out and screamed her head off at me.. like always.. my sister would get away with anything but if i do it i get in trouble.. n since i rarely do anything bad she brings up stuff from like weeks ago and even crap from last year.. she told me i was a bad kid who needed all these restrictions online b/c i stole frome the mall (once and only once about a month ago i guess) and she yelled at me for skipping class.. which i did once last year.. n she yelled at me for being friends with people who want to die their hair n get piercings.. yea.. cuz any of that crap matters..so she cam right up to my face n hit me a couple of times and screamed for like an hour in my face about absolutely nothing..ppl wonder why i can barely hear them..mentally unstable people scream in my ears for no reason..i hate my family so much.. last night at the award ceremony my mom insisted on coming.. i told her i didnt want her there n that parents were not allowed but she had to come anyway.. i hate her so much.. my family is embarassing.. im 15 i dont need them to be by my side anymore.. i really dont want them there either.. this week has been so bad.. the only good day was monday..n i know why.. but tuesday wasnt so great n neither was weds, thurs, and today..of course all this crap has to happen wen me and someone who means a lot to me are kinda having a fight.. one day they were mad at me n now im mad at them.. it sucks but life goes on.. its kinda good in a way.. im realizing that they arent so important to me.. they betrayed me n i dont really need someone like that in my life.. they still mean so much but.. its just gunna b different now.. i wont NEED to be next to them all the time.. i need my space.. n i think they do too..idk.. im really pissed right now i was thinking before about leaving but i was like where can i go and spend the night w.o telling my mom or anything.. heathers?.. no.. shes in boston.. stacy?.. no shes goin to florida.. i couldnt even go to my dads cuz he went to see his father.. n i dont really know fays family to well so i dont wanna put them out.. so i was outta options.. so i got stuck here in this hell hole with the people i hate.. i need to drive n get away from them!!! 1 die for love

[21 Apr 2005|04:59pm] Living in a Dream What if we lived only in our dreams? Everything would always be good, Just live how you want and do what you please This world will finally be as it should. No pain will you feel, No tears will you shed; The world is as you want it, As you lie peacefully in bed. Everyone will be who you need, You don't need to search for that one; Think of the person you want, Then no more troubles.. just fun.  No such thing as bad news, No reasons to cry, Only happiness and laughter, Never the thought of suicide. The fear of death never crosses, The love you share never dies. The one you need is always right there Never saying those painful goodbyes.  You create your own world, And decide what others do. No broken hearts and feelings 'Cuz they won't ever hurt you. Never feelin like the outcast, All alone in this state, Friends surround your every side, Making sure your day was great. Hiden from the outside world, Where everything is sad, Hopes and dreams are always broken, All situations turn out bad.     Happy Birthday Leigh!!! haha.. its leighs birthday.. u no what that means.... Exactly 4 months until mine.. haha.. i love u leigh!!! 1 die for love

[20 Apr 2005|06:38pm] [ mood | confused ] ok.. so.. i thought i trusted someone a lot.. i told them something that i only told one other person.. i told them not to say anything and they knew it was hard for me to tell them..and i cried after it and was sick to my stomach for days about telling them..then i thought they forgot about it so i was ok.. i guess it really didnt matter to much and yea... no.. they remembered.. and after all that i went through they decided it was ok to tell someone.. so today a friend approaches me and says wat i told that 1st person.. shes like yea.. they said this to me n i thought we should talk about it.. i dont mind that she knows.. but y wouldnt they ask first..they told her everything.. i mean seriously.. i had to explain a lot.. Why trust people?? we need to talk this out.. if they told someone else then i'll flip.. actually im kinda happy they told her..it means i didnt.. n i love my friend a lot.. ive tried to tell her this but it didnt work..shes the ONLY one it would b ok with me to tell about it.. mayb she knew that??... wow.. i dont even no anymore.. love

[16 Apr 2005|08:49pm] [ mood | sick ] ok.. i really messed up thursday.. well.. i didnt.. i wanted to say this for a while.. idk wat i was thinking..i could lose them over this..i could be miserable for a long time about this..i almost cried and puked in everyone of my classes.. except gym.. i did cry.. friday i was thinkin about wat i did then it would go away n i jus didnt care anymore.. it was over.. kinda.. idk if it'll be brought up again.. but its a risk i have to take. everytime i see this person i get completely sick feeling.. my heart even stops..i was at the mall last night and even though they were all i thought about wen i saw them i started the randomest conversation so that i could make it look like i was deep in conversation so we wouldnt have to talk..it didnt work.. i didnt stick to my plan.. idc.. it wasnt as bad as i had imagined..heather bought a coffee.. hehe n the non coffee drinker that is myself drank almost half the cup while she was in the potty.. then idk.. but the soda machine 8 heather 2 dollars when she tried to get change for marilyn..me n heather were waiting for marilyn to come so we rode the escaltor up and down for about half an hour or so.. it was fun.. we saw a sign that said no sneakers or wheeled things on escalator.. so i was stumped.. how do u go down then? we went down w/ r sneakers anyway.. I GOT A GREEN BELT .. n its the beautifulest thing ever.. this whole thing is scaring me.. idk wat to think.. n everytime i think about it i get sad.. i want something to happen but i dont want things to never b the same.. i'd die if that happened.. even though i dont mean as much as they do to me i still feel i need them.. how would i go through life w/o them now that i met them..well.. this is def. a thing to write a poem about.. so i think thats wat im gunna do.. if i get it done i'll post it.. or u may just c it as an awaymessage..cuz i want them to see it too..idk.. i feel a lil broken n lost right now.. y do people do this?? love

[15 Apr 2005|04:32pm] [ mood | pissed off ] i really hate EVERYONE right now.. execpt marilyn n heather.. who i love..o n ryan n the other ppl i didnt really talk to..idk.. i just want to hurt everyone b/c i hate em all right about now.. o n wat happened today.. nothing.. couldnt really eat again either.. but im trying cuz puff n cheryl said i had to.. i dont wanna hate everyone.. but right now i do..i think i need sleep n a good malling journey with heather n mer.. 2 die for love

[14 Apr 2005|07:23pm] [ mood | nauseated ] i cant believe i did what i did today.. it was so stupid too. the second it happened i felt like i was gunna throw up every where and never stop. i still feel that way..it sucks..why did i have to have that dream? and why did i have to share it? and why did i have to explain it... i feel so sick..i think im gunna puke.. love

[05 Apr 2005|07:20pm] [ mood | tired ] in lab today i was practically dead.. i looked like i was hung over or sumthin.. i couldn't move n i couldn't talk.. it was weird..i was too tired.. it sucks b/c i stayed up until like 11 to read lord of the flies and only got to where we were supposed to be on like wednesday or sumthin.. so during break me n kristal went for our walk around the school and it kinda woke me up. so then i went to math n me n veronica left for like 20mins n did laps around the school.. then i went to rotc n almost cried.. i hate it so much.. i just realized it today.. wen im overly tired i get so0o0 emotional.. i'll cry for nothing. like in rotc i almost cried n i wasnt even thinking about anything..so then i started thinking about the other time i was all crazy with emotions b/c i was tired.. n it kinda mad me happy.. but who cares.. i went to lunch. n forgot my essay in my locker for english. then went to give it to her in history. we have a test tomorro.. i think i may just pass this one..n then spanish.. i dont even no wats goin on in that class.. i never pay attention.. but i still get straigh 100's love

[15 Mar 2005|06:28pm] i dont know whats goin on..im so mad n sad n all that crap.. i dont wanna b depressed and crap anymore.. it gets annoying to other people so i try to be as happy as i can..everything really sucks. i cant stand it. i just want it to be back to normal. i want stacy to be better, i wanna talk about how i feel, i dont want to feel alone or scared anymore, n i dont want kristal to leave. i hate this year so much. i started off hating it but then it was ok now i hate it again. i got used to everything in the first semester. i really liked it.. but now its changed n i hate it.. i dont want stacy to be sick. shes like my little sister. shes so sick she had to go to the hospital..she has to get better.. i miss her..i wish i could be sick for her. eventhough with my immune system or w/e it'd prolly kill me.. i want to be able to go up to people and tell them wats on my mind..i really mean this towards danielle..i wanna jus tell her that im afraid to really talk to her or im her and everything like that. im so afraid that she'll be mean to me and yell at me n call me annoying again. i dont want her to n i feel that if i keep being distant from her she cant do that b/c there is nothing to say it against..but i miss talkin to her. i think shes a lot of fun to be around. i feel so alone.. its not even funny..idk y..i feel like some many people i really care about dont care about me. i care about my friends more than i care about myself. i wish they could understand that..i hate that i dont mean that much to them.. i hate high school sometimes just b/c of the way i can b friends with someone but then once were outta class they r with their other friends n im alone.. thats y i get scared about like grade level assemblys n crap.. but w/e i dont care.. hs will b over soon n the people who really care will still b with me.. i hate being scared.. im always afraid of bein alone or missin the bus or jus other stupid BS like that.. i dont want kristal to leave.. sometimes we fight n she yells n i get mad but its over in like a min. she always makes me laugh..even if its just for a second..just a random BAM! from her makes me laugh.. or a talk about bams.. i'll miss that for the week or 2.. we took a stress test in english.. wat fun.. we r no where near being done we got threw like 5-10 slides n i already have over 300.. i think im a lil stressed.. n i didnt even include the whole divorce n re-married thing cuz i wasnt sure about it.. that would b at least another hundred...plus the whole hell that was this week.. idk anymore.. life really sucks.. 1 die for love

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